Fuck you Tidal. Fuck you for making us jump through hoops to try and watch a new Beyonce/Niki Minaj video. Do you know how that promotional exercise ended? It ended in NONE OF US watching the stupid video (okay we’re sure a few million gave it a gander but we sure couldn’t be arsed).

Spotify is our platform of choice. It represents incredible value for money and it has a STACK of features that we didn’t know about until recently. Features that reinvigortated our listening experience again. Were you aware these features existed?

YOU CAN RAP LIKE A BOSS (cue mic drop): The ‘lyrics’ button has been sitting pretty prominently on your Spotify player for a while now. Have you pressed it yet? It’s the modern day equivalent of unfolding the liner notes and falling face first into your favourite tunes. It displays in true karaoke fashion, the lyrics to each song, as they are sung. A must-do for anyone still trying to nail that Minaj verse from ‘Monster’.

YOU CAN RUN LIKE A BOSS: A brand new Spotify update has added a running mode that finds music that syncs up to the pace of your run. Yeah, seriously. It picks up on the beats-per-minute of your jog and finds jams to match. You can select according to stuff you’ve listened to before, use a playlist or hear some new stuff made specifically for running. Dare you to run to Converge.

YOU WILL SOON BE ABLE TO LISTEN TO PODCASTS AND WATCH VIDEO: Did you know that you’ll be able to listen to shows from CBS, Radiolab, WTF and The Nerdist on Spotify now? And they’ve increased their range of audio shows to include more artist DJ sets, interviews and new-music roundups.

If that’s not enough, Spotify will soon be a legitimate competitor to Netflix, Foxtel, Presto and Stan. In a feature that launched in the UK, US, Germany and Sweden this week, content from huge partners like Comedy Central, BBC and ESPN will be available via the platform to both free and premium customers. Look out Netflix, you’re looking like old news already.

YOU WILL SOON BE ABLE TO HEAR SUIT YOU MUSIC TO YOUR DAY: There will be ‘NOW’ recommendations which mean that depending on the time of day, you’ll get served up some suggestions of music that might suit the vibe. Whether that’s mixes, your favourite podcasts or your own playlists is up to you.

And the clever AI will learn your preferences over time adjusting gradually to anticipate your every mood, your every move, your hobbies, your pet’s names, your favourite flavour at Messina and then casually bump into you on the street and spark up a conversation after which you fall in love and build a life together only to come home from work one to day find that Spotify has strangled your gerbil with your expensive pantyhose.